"Friend only means one thing."
.
"Poets don’t deal."
- Robert Boardman
Vaughn
In the 1960’s Robert Vaughn stayed with us more than once.
He was a Beat generation mad poet who had dedicated his life to his art, and it
-not so slowly- destroyed him. He drank heavily, partied and lived intensely,
and burned himself up. He was not an easy house guest. He would walk into a
restaurant and pull the table cloth out from under the setting of a large party
to theatrically make a point. Sometimes we had to throw him out when he was too
disruptive. He was a great poet and gave his life to his art.
He used to say that “Friend only means one thing.” He also said that you were lucky if you had
one true friend in life, and would mention a famous bullfighter that he
considered his friend. I was a college student at the time, and, not
understanding, would ask him what that one thing was. He never said. It wasn’t until, years
later, when a junkie friend of mine broke into my apartment and stole my stuff,
that I finally understood what he meant.
There was not one “Thing” that equated with friendship.
Rather, he was saying that true friendship is unconditional. It’s not: “You’re
my friend if…, and if you do or don’t do this or that thing, then you aren’t my
friend”, but that if someone is your friend, nothing can change that. For
someone whose life constantly challenged the boundaries by which our usual
community is defined, one would certainly be lucky to have even just one
friend. Life on the edge can cut through all the nonessentials with which we
surround ourselves, but one pays a great price.
My own path is far more moderate, at least externally, and I
am lucky to count many people as my friends whom others might shun as difficult
to have around. Robert’s adage allows me to learn and grow with many whose
lives fall far from the middle path, and whose habits sometimes push me to not
let small things deter me from my own sometimes difficult, but more moderate
path.
In order to allow this, his lesson must work in two
directions. On one side it means that I am accepting of others faults and
difficult behavior. On the other side it allows me to leave or tell them to
shove off, but to still accept them as a true friend. It’s like accepting your
cat even when it kills your birds – It’s what cats do. Often my boundaries are
defined by very practical ethics. I’ll allow an obnoxious friend to be
obnoxious to me. It helps me to be more open and strong. When their seemingly less than compassionate behavior affects my
family or my community, on the other hand, condoning it is not appropriate or
ethical. Interfering with this “bullying” can be construed as me doing my thing, and, in my
view, shouldn’t make them think that I’m not their friend. “Friend only means
one thing” works both ways.
As our T'ai Chi evolves, we learn more and more about all the parts working together to create a whole that is sometimes more than just the sum of the parts. The integration of opposites displayed in the above story can lead to a greater understanding. Compassion for those unlike ourselves can be an excellent exercise in training our own dis-similar parts to work together for the common good. This does not mean that we need to indulge in less than considerate behavior. A harmonious lifestyle offers many benefits and opportunities.not available to those who practice disruptive behavior. This is not meant to be judgmental, but merely a statement that our actions have consequences.
Best Wishes to All,
Daniel
